How did I got here?
I had this dream, dream of having what ever the fuck I wanted by now. Little did I knew, I was grabbed by the balls and thrown back to the ground. And there it was. The reality. Reality came in the form of me finding out my father cheated on my mother. He was fucking a lady who was half as his age. While I was 13, I had just accepted the fact that I will always be the second preference in the family because I was the elder one. No I don’t have a blood brother or sister but a cousin brother and all.
I had to find out this.
I still remember that instance scene by scene, flashing right now as I write. My mother in pain and anger shouting and crying in front of my old man. There I stood, trying to make sense of it all and going nowhere. My mother pointing her finger towards me and telling him how he never thought about the child because he just wanted to stick his dick in some tight pussy. It was too much to take. All it did was make me angry and confused about do I respect my old man? Should I even talk to my old man? Is this all a bad dream or a cheap skit just to fuck with my mind? I didn’t had a clue. After all this we shifted with my grandparents thinking he will have a change in heart. But was either this or excessive drinking, gambling or spending a night at a police station.
All this changed my perspective on life. I always wondered and somehow hated myself as I was changing into my old man. maybe i am, maybe I’m not. Guess you have to find out. (Follow me)
When I was 16 my mother went to London to make a better living for all three of us. She wanted me and my old man even though whatever he did with her. Maybe that’s what love is maybe she was only with him because they both had a son and didn’t wanted him to know what was all happening. But I wasn’t a child. I never had that liberty to be a child and live like one. There’s when I found RocknRoll. RocknRoll somehow made me connected to me on a deeper level even though I hated everything around me, I was doing shows and fornicating behind the stage or in a car or getting my dick sucked my a girl in the college. I was going and going. There’s when I found out my old man was fucking a mother of my friend. I was a walking ticking time bomb. I use to fight with anyone who even looked at me in a certain way. I was more angry on myself then I was with my old man because I couldn’t do jack shit to change the reality at that time.
Imagine my mother working her ass off to call both of us to live with her in London and my father doing things which he wasn’t supposed to do because he was married. At least that’s what i was told when i was young.
He went to visa office for the visa. There he was asked what if he never comes back and he having the male ego and not channeling in the proper direction, he said he’s not coming back. There went my dream to make a living in London.
Mother had to come back because I failed 12th twice and being lost in all the diluter and doing nothing except searching for love in some thing or someone and fucking my way through it. I was not able to make any sense out of it because nobody stayed even though I did not to being my old man. I had one hell of a fist fight with my old man. I was so angry I made a fist and punched him in the face and put my arms around his neck and was choking him. My mother, such an angel she came to his rescue and it was a big scene every neighbour gathered around our floor. I regret it till this day.
I just turned 26 two months back. I’m still confused about what is all worth when you can never be happy I know happiness comes from within but I have this fucked up thing of caring for nothing and everything at the same time. The child inside me still is crying in the corner. I never let it show but it comes out and people leave. I do everything in my power until I can. I can’t make someone stay against their will even though I wasn’t a fucking dick.
Even on my old man’s birthday my mother made his favourite dish. What is love? Can anyone tell me?
I didn’t wish him.
Old man, I wish you happy birthday now. I never respected you because you gave me many chances not to.
But i love you.
You’re one lucky man. You’ve got someone who loves you more than anything out there.
The question still stands where do I stand? Where do I go from here? Is it better to be alone then making someone miserable their whole life? OR do i move ahead ad do my thang, Focus on my path to be the world-class entrepreneur
I Think i’ll go with the 4th one.