Happy New Hump

I was at Chennai Two years back and it was the Christmas week and like every year, i go visit my mother for the entire week.

There is this so and so function around the corner only in the name of “Jesus”. Almost no pun intended.

Young guns like you and me are more involved in drinking, watching slutty gals who came by to dance and most likely lead them somewhere quiet, fuck them or just have a number for bibliography.

Me and friends were on top of my apartment, smoking a joint, perfectly drunk and out of our mind.

You could see the dance party from the terrace. All flashy dresses and you can feel the joy happening down there.

So We, drunk out of our minds, decided to go and take a look and let me tell you my city does not have the credentials to sell alcohol. So, there’s that.

We hollered at the lift. It makes a funny sound and arrived on the fourth floor.

As soon as all of us got out of the apartment gate, everyone dispersed. I looked back, nobody was to be found, literally, and I felt like I was in those harry potter movies.

Then again, I was drunk and had a killer weed. Decided to take a walk in the party, see what’s up, who’s doing who. Interesting thing about this party is, it happens only once a year and so it was like for one time only for few hours all the “lovers”, at least that’s what they are liked to call nowadays, were able to dance together and not worry about it because who’s gonna notice all that shit, everyone would be doing it. As simple as that.

Anyway, as I was strolling, two average looking gals crossed my path, the one with the glasses and hot body gave me the look and smiled evil. She sure did want to fuck me but I had just started taking a walk.

I continued walking anyway. ‘Ron!’ Somebody screamed. It was my friend Kev. That mothafucka was fucking loud, now I realize.

I went to meet him and said. ‘Hey man, what’s up?’

‘Not much, you smell like alcohol and weed’ Kev said.

‘You are not wrong. Say, how’s the party?’

‘Um, you know the same old, same old’ said with disappointment. ‘But new faces here and there.’

‘Okay’ I said ‘I’m going for a smoke, you wanna join?’

“’No man I’m good’ he said. ‘I’ll be here.”


Went to back alley of my apartment and lit a cigarette.

This was the place where we use to smoke at night and one by one everyone i knew came there asking for smokes or if I have a joint and I’m the only one having the time of his life. Phoney cunts. I hate those damn guys. I’m not very likeable either.

So, after a while I took off. They were mostly talking about the underage teens and how they are so ready to fuck anytime once given the inches. I was fucking out. Went back to see Kev.

He was still there he said would be. Very few men keep their word these days, he was one of them.

This time he was with those two girls i told you about. The other short gal with big eyes was Kev’s girlfriend. The devil strikes, but I didn’t go there because as I was going there somebody else shouted my name, It was my aunt and I had to go. I call her M, that’s all you need to know.

She asked me about my mother and father and all She finally told me to keep an eye on my cousin, which I did.

Kev came along. ‘Who’s other gal? She was so down to do almost everything.’ I asked.

‘That’s Sarah Jacobs. She’s a good kid man, not that type.’

‘Sure looked like one.’ I said.

‘No, you’re wrong.’ Said Kev.

‘Okay’ Not that I surrendered, but there was no point arguing over a chick who gave me the eye. ‘Try to arrange a meet Kev. She’s actually hot, not the usual one, but there’s something in her eyes.’ I said.

‘Wow, my friend. You’re drunk. Come, let’s go get something to eat.’

We went to a non-veg joint and ate like hungry hounds, especially me, mostly me, only me.

Kev dropped me home and went to his.

‘Hey Kev, arrange a meet will you?’ I said to him.

‘Fucking hell, you got it.’

‘Goodnight my friend.’ I almost shouted, Nate was round there and he came to the crossroad.

‘Hey Nate!’ I again screamed.

‘Keep it down man, it’s 2 in the morning.’

‘Yeah, yeah’ losing the enthusiasm. ‘You wanna smoke a joint?’

‘Let’s go to the alley.’ After that I don’t remember what happened and I woke up in my bed with my socks on. What the fuck. It was December 31st. New years eve. New resolutions, new forgiveness, new sins, new fuck ups, new vagina, new cock, new new new new……

I wanted to throw up and so I did, chunks of meat pieces floating in my commode. What a lovely sight on the 31st of the fucking December, new vomit YaY!!!!

All that aside, I felt like shit and made myself a strong coffee. Mother came into the kitchen.

‘You should have told me I’d have made it for you.’

‘You can’t make strong coffee MA, It’s fine.’

‘You smell like Scotch son.’ MA said looking down. ‘There’s food for you, eat it and then go out.’

‘Okay, thanks ma. You the best’

It was only noon and I don’t get out at noon.

Had my coffee, got the food and went to my room.

Finished everything, had a nice long bath, read a book watched some supernatural and by then it was a bit dark outside.

Went to bum a smoke at the parlor. The parlor is not a parlor, it’s a cigarette selling store and the place I live that’s called a parlor.

Moving on, went to bum a smoke and who I find there Kev. It was not a surprise to me. He was almost always there when I went to smoke. It was like as if that place has his mark on it, I might still find him there if I go right now. Who knows.

‘Ron, fucking hell man you were drunk last night.’

‘Living the dream mothafucka.’

‘Uncle, give Ron a smoke, he’s hungover.’ Kev said it with a bit of sarcasm.

Jake handed me a smoke. ‘Thanks.’

‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ Kev asked.

‘Nothing much, why? Of the new year?’

‘No man, I happen to arrange meeting with that gal you wanted to.’

‘That’s fucking good’ giving him the thumbs up. ‘What’s her name by the way’

‘”Sarah Jacobs” man, you don’t remember what we talked about ain’t it.’

‘Maybe. Anyways, I’ll go man. See you later.’

‘You come tonight, right?’

‘Sure, I’ll stroll by.’ I was not that excited about anything at all to be honest.

What now I thought, where should I go? Maybe back to Kev or maybe I’ll call up Vic. Yup I’ll ring him up.

The phone rings.

‘Ron, where are you? You still here?’ Vic said as soon as he picked up.

‘Hey man, I’m still here, that’s why I called. Where are you?’ I said. ‘I’ll come there.’

‘Same old place.’

‘Be there in 10. You want me to get you anything?’

‘Rolling papers.’

‘Sure’ I said and hung up the phone. Vic, he wasn’t any ordinary man, He was a hustler. everything about him is illegal. He uses to suck money in just a couple minutes. I myself made some money for myself, wouldn’t lie, but like every bad guy we all were good at heart, and there was a lot of investigation in regard to this matter and every single one of them had to shut down the fake call centers and it all stopped.

There he was with his headphones on sitting on his Enfield.

‘Vic, man, what’s going on?’

‘Hey man, I have crushed weed, you got the paper?’ he asked.

‘Sure, here take it.’

‘Why don’t you roll it?’

I rolled a joint and lit it up. It was pretty good. He said his friend brought it from his village, which was fine by me until it doesn’t smell like shit. Did I tell you I had a girl who was crazy for me because I seemed to have figured it the old-life? And she was just 16 and I was 22. That didn’t seem a pretty deal to me, though with the tight pussy and all, it was.

So, while smoking up just beside the road and opposite to the swimming pool, she passed by with her friend and approximately 10 minutes later, I get a phone call from her telling me to meet ASAP.

Fucking hell, I had to give her a reality check and tell her what’s gonna happen if this goes on.

So, I accepted the offer and called her at my place to talk. I hung up.

‘Who was on the phone?’ Vic asked.

‘Booty call.’

‘Fucking stud.’

‘You know me I’m the stud.’ I agreed.

‘Meet me on the morrow.’ Vic said

‘You got it. Later.’

She had one lovely ass though.

Her name is Lu, she uses to study in some state board school, Hebron. And somehow I got in contact by her and all was happening according to it.

She, with her tiny body, jumped on me. ‘I missed you.’

‘How can you? I don’t understand. This is the second time we are meeting, you’ve pretty much all around buzzed my phone.’

‘Because I miss you every-time.’ And she started kissing me. I tried holding back but she was holding my cock.

“That’s fucking quick.” i said. “You’ve been practicing?”

“Shut up and let me suck you.” and goddamn, she started sucking it. She was doing a pretty good job for a 16 year old I thought. Told her not to do that but she wouldn’t listen. Oh, it’s only a blowjob…… The most used line in the entire history of men before fucking up their entire path. ‘I’ve been practicing on my brother.’ She said.


‘Nothing.’ she went back to sucking. And fuck she wasn’t lying.

‘Wait up, don’t, come up to bed, I want to talk.’ She came up.

‘Don’t you like it.’ she said ‘I Can do more than that, but you’re big.’

‘Okay, listen, cut this shit and hear me out.’ I said with some authority. ‘This thing you think is not the thing you think.’ She seemed confused. I had to explain it to her slowly.

Told her that it’s all just a phase and it’s not love and that she just wants to fuck and if that goes on by the time she’ll be out of school she’ll be that new whore in the college and streets via Facebook.  And I don’t fuck underage teens. Somehow she was ticked. She slapped me in the face, showed me the finger and walked off. I laughed, it was funny. Never ever saw her again, but I wasn’t wrong about her. She’s on the way to the new talk of the school kids and the neighbors.

While I was at home, I decided to have some food and was out in the night. I’m more comfortable at night than in the day. Met a few friends and then went to meet Vic.

Sam was with Vic, an unusual gathering I suppose it was. It was nice, for some time it felt good and happy. And then we smoked up and suddenly Sam was all about the women, and how wonderful they are and the neighbor’s sister in law is pretty fucking interested in fucking him. And I was sad again. Why is it that every time of this year, all there is to talk about who’s fucking who and how fucked up was he/she was last night.

So, I decided to take a ride to the other side of the river, to see more of that, of-course, not my idea.

There was a show and I wanted to go there and check it out. And check some hot chicks out in the process.

Hey, I never said I was a saint. So, we went there anyways. Luckily the show was not all fucked up, not until some douche from some or the other band hid the football of the players. That mothafucka was very drunk and he was just about to get beaten up by the players but the organizers came running through. They shouldn’t have arrived, it would be entertaining. A drunkard and a bunch of angry college football players. But, it didn’t happen.


So, me Vic and Sam went on and got out of it came on to the bridge which connected to our home side. Parked our bikes. Sam crushed weed and I rolled and we all smoked up and went on back to our home side, told each other our Goodnights and went on to our home.

I took my typer and started typing like a champ, was feeling a bit husky so i pulled out my bottle and poured the whiskey in my glass drank it down and started writing…

Next morning, I woke up at 10 and slept again and woke up after 1 in the noon.

I had 5 messages and 2 miscalls from the same guy, Kev. So, I called him up. ‘What the fuck man I thought I wouldn’t get through you.’

‘What’s up man, I just woke up.’ I said. ‘Calm the fuck down.’

‘You forgot didn’t you.’

‘No man, I didn’t. Where are you?’

‘Parlor, come fast.’ he said ‘Okay.’ and hung the phone.

I actually forgot, but I had it under control. So, I changed, made myself presentable and reached parlor.

‘Let’s go.’ Kev said you don’t need to use your vehicle.”

‘Okay.’ I jumped in the back seat. ‘Let’s go then, come on we’re already late.’


‘Hey, you hurt my feelings man.’ I said.

‘Oh please, your “feelings”.’ he said. ‘You’re funny.’

‘You said it.’ And what a place was decided to meet the back alley of the LG cricket ground. Truly, remarkable.

Anyway, me, Kev, Rachel (Kev’s girlfriend) and Sarah. So, Kev went on for a walk with his girlfriend and Sarah and I was left alone.

‘You know, I saw you two days back at the party, you were all… green.’

‘Yeah, thanks’. She said.

‘Say, Sarah, how old are you.’

‘Why do you ask that.’ she said ‘Don’t worry, I’m legal.’

‘Legal for what actually?’ I knew the answer, but I like to do that, pulling leg and what not.

‘You know.’

‘I do?…… Let’s say maybe I do know. What’s it gonna take to have your phone number.?’

‘Give me your phone.’ I gave her my phone and she gave a missed call on her cell.

‘There you go.’ she said.

‘What do you do?’

‘College, St. Xavier’s.’

‘Cool. I did one show there once.’

‘You did, when? I’ve just started going there.’

‘Long back, you’ll like the college.’

‘Thanks.’ She gave me the eye again.

So, I kissed her and was not resisted. Kev and Rachael were back from their walk. This stupid love story, they take so much out of you and make a place of their own. Stupid love stories. Moving forward, silly jokes were passed on, how lovely the weather is and it’s new year’s eve, everyone was so excited. I made few lame jokes on granny and three breasts and an old man and his balls with some sarcastic comment and we all parted.

Suddenly my phone buzzes up. A new message. Who uses text message anymore. It was from Sarah. Saying, it was nice to meet me. I guess it was. But I was a gentleman and said that it was nice too. One thing led to another and next thing you know she was sexting me.

I went on with the flow and got some of it too. She continued doing that for two days and insisted to meet. The hell, I thought, let’s have a happy new hump.

The next day she was there, at my doorsteps. We hardly talked.

‘Hey, how you have been.’ I kissed her. She was all ready for it. And, it turned out she wanted it more than I.

She was just playing with my cock while kissing me.


I pulled her by the hair. ‘You know what to do.’

She unbuttoned my shirt, my trouser, pulled it out and started sucking it. God damn she was good with her mouth, though she didn’t speak much. Got it? Oh, forget it. Lame jokes.

Anyways, back to the cock sucker.

She’s one of those gals who wants to fuck and not to be fucked by you only. So, I mounted her, thought she might have a shaved vagina, but she had hair down there, not much, just as I like it. She was changing the positions like a pro. ‘I’m a virgin.’ She said.

‘Yeah can see that, you’re handling it like a pro.’

She smiled and kissed me. That comment wasn’t supposed to do that. She liked talking dirty too. A whole fucking-package and she had a goddamn mole on the vagina, the ass to kill for, pretty bumpy. Perky tits, likes to be sucked, at-least that’s what I was told, among other things. It was going on for almost a whole month, Even in her periods I used to get my cock sucked. When not on periods, I was taking her from behind in my parents’ bathroom, on their bed, in the living room. Basically, any place we could find. There was this time when she came from her college function and god she looked so fucking hot wearing this tight jeans and a blazer and I wanted to fuck her there itself, and so, I did.

While I was doing it the door knocked.

‘Fucking hell, who is it now.’ I was angry. Put your clothes back on.’ she did, pretty fast while I went on to opening the door. Looks like I was being disturbed by my parents.

‘What took you so long?’ Mother asked.

‘Nothing, just–‘

‘Why do you smell funny?’ she went to my room and saw Sarah.

‘Ma this is Sarah’ I introduced her.

My dad understood why I was smelling funny and laughed, and went on to his room to change.

‘So, Sarah, I guess I’ll see you later.’ and I kicked her out.

‘That was rude son.’ Ma said.

‘I know. That’s what I was going for. And plus I don’t need to woo her anymore.’ It was true.

‘Look how your son is talking.’ Ma said to the dad.

‘He’s your son too.’

‘Well, I’ll take your leave now, later.’ kissed ma and took off. Had a missed call from my cousin so I called him up.

‘Where are you?’ my cousin asked.

‘Home, where else.’ I said ‘What up?’

‘Come over to anklet, all the guys are here, asking about you.’

‘Coming.’ He wasn’t wrong all of the guys were there. Sucking down cigarettes and cola and whatever they could munch on. It was Steve’s birthday. Steve was a very shy and cry baby when I met him. I met him when I was in school. He used to sit beside me and I use to make him cry a lot, it was so easy. So, all you’ve got to do is put his bag down from the bench three times and the fourth time he would be crying softly while picking up the bag. As simple as that. But anytime better guy than me.

Moving further, I met everyone so no-one feels left out. Steve gave me some rum in a coke bottle, so I was sucking down the bottle.

‘Ron.’ my cousin called.

‘Yeah, what’s up?’

‘Where have you been, and I heard you were getting some action. Pardon me very much action.’

‘If you put it that way it sounds dirty and wrong.’ I said. ‘But yeah, if you want to know if I’m dating or not then yes I am. Nice gal, loves to fuck me and somehow worships my cock.’ I sucked on the bottle again.

He was laughing, on me or the thing I had said, I didn’t bother much. Everyone was leaving one by one and I was one of them. Called up Sam. ‘Sammy, where are you?’

‘School bridge. Me and Zorro.’

‘Nice, I’ve got something for both of you.’

‘We do too, it’s rolling as we speak.’ he said.

‘No, I have it rolled. What I’m coming ‘ and I hung up the phone.

We all gathered. I went there, they were waiting for me.

Lit up a spliff. ‘Say, Ron, do you remember that lady we robbed when you use to work. That lady Natasha something.’

‘Natasha Robbins.’


‘What about her?’ I asked.

‘How much did we were to pull out in total, have any idea?’

‘Um….  About $1500.’ I said ‘No, no, $1600. Remember Nate he was begging for $100 on the phone and got if finally.’

‘Oh, fuck yeah.’ He burst out laughing. We ended up talking about the work and Nate and Sam’s love interest at that time and about our president, new movies, more chicks parental problems and whatnot and parted our ways.  Got home, heat some food and ate it, still sucking on that cola bottle.

Went on my typer and started punching it hard.

The other day I got a message from Sarah that she’s been missing her periods and she thinks she’s preggers. Oh, how mad was I when she said that. But I wasn’t supposed to, I never liked rubber. But she never mentioned it. Thought she was taking the pills and all.

I called her something times, there was no answer.

Only a message letting me know that I shouldn’t worry about it and if everyone gets to know, she won’t tell my name and all that sad smilies. So much for drama.

Honestly, I was pretty scared over this, and if it was real, I still had hoped it was false. But if it was, it’s not nice to kill a life. And out of the fucking blue my granny was visiting her house. Seems like she was keeping an eye on me and her, but unaware of the fact about her missing her goddamn period. I guess thank you Lord for that? Something like that would do. Turning the page over, if I had a common knowledge about how to cure a pregnancy, but I had no qualification of any kind. I had to research about it and it went on. Finally came up with a solution. Called Sarah at my aunt M’s house and gave her two pregnancy strips and she knew what to do. Told you she was a pro. And the truth was shown, she wasn’t preggers, Bitch just played a game to see if I’m a husband material. She should’ve just asked it, I would have said I’m not that kind. She found out the hard way while making me scared and confused about all that.

I needed a smoke after all that. Took my bike for a ride to anklet and bummed one. Cousin shows up.

‘Brother, heard about that gal, she’s not good she’s a slut and Jack and smith had both been inside her.’

‘And still couldn’t get it stretched. I knew she was a slut.’ I said.

‘You should be thankful to our grumpy granny. She in a way saved your ass.’

‘I guess.’ I said. And at that same time I had an idea to get back at her. I knew she was all in for me because she pulled that I’m preggers stunt. ‘You want me to drop you off somewhere?’

‘No, harry is coming here.’ he said

‘Alright, I’ll see you later.’

Reached home and I found one at my place. Anne was a daughter of my father’s friend and my mother’s friend

They knew each other since childhood. I was happy to see her and didn’t hold back. ‘Finally someone to talk to.’

I said. Me and she we both love each other, more like brother and sister, she cares for me as do I. I told her all about this gal and she was on the floor, laughing her ass off. I didn’t mind, she was allowed to.

The next day came and I had called Sarah to meet me up and clear everything out. She arrived and she was speaking, nothing. I took her by her hips and started kissing and rubbing her hand on my cock’s outline. There was no resistance. So, I took off her clothes and mine and for the first and the last time in the relationship we were in, or had in the first place, put on a rubber and mounted her and fucked her hard, like she’s never got one like this and never gonna get one ever again.

Pulled her hair and made her scream, played with her clit and made her squirt. She was really impressed by that. I took off the rubber and went to take a shower. She was still there waiting for me when I was out.

‘What are you still doing here? Go on and get out of my house and please don’t show your stupid face and lovely ass ever again, bitch.’ She was all blank, not able to speak anything and started crying. ‘How can you do this to me?’ she said.

‘You started it all. And I just finished it. I’m sorry, but you had this coming.’

She ran hiding her face. I put on some clothes and took my bike for a ride.


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